Well........
2004-10-26, 6:46 p.m.

I think my marriage ended last night. How's THAT for an opening sentence? Things haven't been good for a while now. We both know it, it's just so easy to stick your head in the sand and pretend nothing's wrong, ya know?

I don't think there's any good guy or bad guy here. I'm willing to be as much to blame as he is. Or maybe neither one of us is to blame. I can sum up the problem. I've changed, he hasn't. Now, his argument is that people shouldn't change. He's still the same guy I married. And it's true, he is. My opinion is that you have to change. Not everything, of course. But I don't think the person you are in your mid-20's should be the same person you are a decade later. And that is our problem.

When we met, life was great. Life was one big freaking blast. We partied constantly. Actually, we spent a good portion of our time drunk. (Uh, you might remember the mention of an alcohol problem? This was during that time.) We moved in together and then decided maybe marriage would be alright, seeing as how we were having so much friggin' fun.

Now, sometime between the moving in and the planned wedding, I got pregnant. This sometimes happen when you spend so much time drunk. You tend to have a lot of sex. I think. I don't remember a great deal of that time. (Remember that alcohol problem?)

So, we moved the date from September to June. And I went and got responsible. I stopped drinking. I stopped smoking. (I didn't stop caffeine, but give me a break, I needed SOMETHING.) Actually, I think this may have been when our problems started. My hubs loved the girl, but he's been jealous of her since day one. He constantly complained that she was getting all the attention. Well, no that's not true. He didn't really start that until she was about a year old. He said, "I GAVE you a year, when do I get some of the attention I used to get?"

It's been a maturity thing ever since. I took care of our girl. Stuggled to make ends meet. He kept right on partying. And hasn't stopped. I feel just loads of resentment towards him. I've told him this. It pisses me off that he can just bury his head in a 12 pack and I had to grow up.

Not that I mind. Don't get me wrong. My girl is my entire world. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by how much I love her, it hurts. I can imagine that he's jealous, because I've never loved, and never will love, anyone the way I love my child.

But over the years as he's continued to drink, he's also started being pissy when he's drunk. He says mean things just to hurt me or piss me off. He'll tell me how most women would like to have a husband like him. Or how this woman or that woman hit on him. He lost 42 lbs last year and, in his drunken tizzy, had the nerve to say, "Well at least I try to better myself." Pbbfftt. Kiss my ass. He told me last summer he was leaving me. I asked every day for three weeks when he was leaving and he always had an excuse. I finally packed his shit up for him. He left for almost a month, and then came back. Unfortunately, I can't afford to support myself. Otherwise, I probably would have left a long time ago.

Ooops, I said it wasn't a blame game, and that I would field some responsibility. Let me just say that sober, he's an excellent guy. He loves to cook, he's a neat freak so he cleans a lot more than I do. He's very loving. He's funny and extremely charming. He's also very thoughtful. Yes, most women would like to have a man like him. People will think I'm crazy if I leave him.

I just can't stand the other him. The drunk one. And he drinks every night. He refuses to admit he has a problem. He said I knew he drank when I married him. And he's right. I sure did know. And I knew he drank a lot, too. I was right there with him.

So hell yeah, I've changed. I'm a responsible parent. I don't get drunk and say mean things to my spouse. I don't take my anger with my spouse out on my child, who is the only totally innocent one in all this.

Ah hell. The bad thing is I'm really hoping this is it. I've prayed a lot about this, and I told God I'm kind of stupid, so I needed a really, really clear sign. in the last week we've been offered two living room sets and a dining room table. Hmmm, enough furniture to furnish two new apartments. Sign? Yes, I think maybe it is.

I really didn't plan on going into this big bitchfest. Thanks for putting up with the rant. I have a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of soup calling my name.

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