Sorry, more of the same
2004-10-27, 7:30 p.m.

Everyone left such sweet notes for me that I almost cried. You guys are the best!

Now, interesting enough, it's been two days since the "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you, you're not as fun as you used to be" speech, and he hasn't said anything else. Hmmmmm. I'm thinking maybe he's pretending like nothing happened. Or maybe (bad side effect of arguing with a drunk) he doesn't actually remember everything. He's acting like nothing happened.

The problem is.........I've had two days to decide this could be the best thing ever. I practically have my furniture placed in my new apartment. Because I know exactly where I'd go. It's still in the school district, it's closer than I am now (and I'm close), and I know it's a safe neighborhood. I can't afford it on my salary and my credit is awful, but I can work around that. We bought our townhouse 6 years ago, and got a really good deal on it then. About 2 years ago, real estate in this area became a hot commodity. If we sell it, we stand to make, seriously, about $50,000. We split that, I can pay a year's rent in advance. I can put a fat amount down on the power and phone, too. Then my pitiful little salary can pay for food and any other necessities. See? No problem. The rest I can invest with my step-dad's company and make interest off it.

I've thought about this a lot, can you tell? Huge among the negatives is that we'd have to get rid of at least one of our dogs. My little rat terrier is just too hyper and barky to have in an apartment. He needs a yard. My other dog would be ok, though. I know this would be hard on my girl, but there would be a serious lack of tension in the house. He's so hard on her. And he's such an asshole when he's drinking. I really think it's the right thing, in the end. And hell, he could move close to us. I have no problem with that. I just don't think I can live with him anymore. It was so nice when he was gone last summer. She was much happier.

I'm working this out as I type. It's bothering me that he hasn't said anything more. I've had this little taste of freedom (even though it's only in my head) and I'm really loving it. I think we're going to have a serious talk this weekend, before he starts drinking, so that we both know exactly where we stand. Actually, as I've planned out my new apartment :D, I realize how much of what's in our house now is has his imprint on it. The dishes, the furniture, the bedspread, the freakin' shower curtain. I hadn't noticed it before. Weird.

Well, we actually just had an impromptu talk. I had to minimize the window pretty quick, as I really don't want him reading any of this. He again told me I'm not fun anymore and that I've changed, and that since our girl was born he hasn't gotten any attention because I decided to focus everything on her. I admitted to all of this. I told him we need to decide something fast. I'm just tired. He's taken the wind out of my sails, I'm done babbling.

Thanks for all the support people! In the words of my child, you guys rock!

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